idk

29 September ’18, Wednesday
11:15 pm

Hi
I’ll be going to Blg in 2 days. What do I feel? Like an alien; I feel like this situation, I don’t fit in in it; I feel disconnected with whats happening around me sigh

Today while going to the bank, I was wondering why didn’t I go and talk to my prof before dropping out of masters last year. Things would have been very different. I could have just continued with it? sure, I would have been miserable though (well, at least for the time I really was miserable)

why do I always resign myself to my fate? meh
ugh
bleh
hahah what am I doing
J gone cray cray haha, not really

I’m not thinking about how things would be there; I’d rather stay home but but I have to go there. You know, I’m just penning down my feelings and emotions, just as a point of reference (?)

I’ll go sleep. Two more days here, then off I go

tbh I don’t want to go but I have to; can’t stay any longer, it’s been a year already of flailing about aimlessly
I could have enjoyed this year but I didn’t because I was worried about what would happen in a year’s time, would I even get a job then; and now I regret the fact that I didn’t utilise this past year as well as I could have, I was busy worrying about the future then, directionless aimless uhh

byebybeybyebye

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No more hair smoothening, okay?

18 September 2018
9:08 am
I don’t absolutely hate my hair cut but I don’t love it. And it freaking wasn’t even a haircut. Why the f did I freaking have to get my freaking meagre hair freaking smoothened. Fie! All I feel is utter disgust (well low-key disgust).

Just freaking why. And the money I shelled out is another story.
So from now on before making a decision where the result isn’t so obvious, where the result is lifeless plastic(y) hair, please think twice.
In the heart of my heart, I didn’t want to get it done. Maybe that’s why I was a little (tiny bit) hesitant.
It’s been a series of unfortunate events. First, this dead hair (I know hair is anyway dead but mine looks sullen and lifeless; I wish it looked drunken and lively, in a chaotic mess, like my life rn but my hair is as straight as straight can get and and uhhhh) and then the fact that I’d be working 6 days a week.

Why do I have to make the same mistakes.. But thank god it’s only my hair (it’ll grow out and it’ll be fine, eventually) and not my face.

You know, you’re satisfied paying whatever you pay as long as you’re happy paying that amount, receiving a service that fulfills your expectations.
But if you aren’t satisfied, it won’t be a successful transaction (according to you) as you feel cheated (?), you didn’t get what you deserved, what you paid for.
It’s mutual. Money in exchange for a service or goods. Of course it’s mutual, I’m stating the obvious here.

But my hair, I loved the waves in my hair whyyyyyyyyyy
because I took the wretched decision of going to the salon to get it freaking done.

nm

15 September ’18, Saturday
12:47 am

hey
I need to get my priorities straight, decide what I want my future to look like. Do I want a mba from a fancy place which turns into a fancy workplace? Or do I want to live a simple and fulfilling life?
What do I really want?
Or maybe I should just keep moving forward and let things unfold and happen as and when they do?

I feel tired. Sleepy

ttyl

sunflower

13 September ’18, Thursday
1:18 am

Hey hey there
yes, it’s pretty early in the morning or late at night, well whatever you prefer

I met up with some friends today. So before I left for the meeting place, I was second guessing if I should really be going. But later after meeting up with everyone, while we were sitting in a cafe, I felt at ease, and this thought even crossed my mind ‘I feel so comfortable and at home with them in this moment (idk why was I even considering to take a rain check)’. They’re a bunch of lovelies.

So, I’m over this now but I’ll just share it with you. So I got ignored or seen zoned by a person, and it made me sad. I don’t know if I’m being oversensitive or if it even is sth I should be sad about. Do I measure my worth by how others perceive me? perhaps I really do (I did tell you that I’m a people pleaser, didn’t I, sigh)

Is beauty a currency of sorts?

I know that not all relationships are transactional in nature but most are. It saddens me but it’s the bitter truth. Maybe that’s how the world works, it’s all transaction, give and take.
I shouldn’t feel so sad, right. Maybe the person didn’t feel the need to sustain the conversation any further. There was no need for it. 

Okay, so now I’ll try to be best version of myself. I know I can never be the best perfect version.. it’s always evolving, so be better, become the better me. I feel things would change for the better when and if I change for the better.

I’m sleepy.

I’ll write something wonderful someday

words are all I have 
my saviour
my solace

(don’t be bothered by people who don’t really matter, because they don’t matter; they aren’t a part of your life, they aren’t a part of your narrative; they chose to be on a different path, a different story, a story not yours
ugh just backspace all this stuff
there, it’s all done now)

goodnight

miss misery

10 September ’18, Monday
9:16 pm

hi
I can be such klutz at times, haha nothing new there.

Some time ago, I was feeling really sad, so I slipped into the space between the bed and wall, curled into a ball and pulled a cover over me. Just sat there and cried.
Life. I was thinking about how messy everything is. And the fact that I haven’t really moved forward in this last year.

So, I inconspicuously slipped into the corner but B stood (well she just sat beside me) by me all the while. My little baby ❤
I know I shouldn’t be so pessimistic about life. Things are better than I make them out to be. Maybe because I compared how I was faring in life with my peers. After all, comparison is the thief of joy, isn’t it?
Idk with me, life has always made me wait, struggle a little and only then given me something. But waiting, it seems so, has been an unyielding constant.

But haven’t I already waited for a year?
Things are moving a little, let’s see where I’ll go from here.
Life is about to change, isn’t it?

I think I was crying also because of the fact that I’d be moving away from home. And pa asked shouldn’t I be excited? ofc, any other kid would be thrilled about moving away from home but I ain’t so thrilled (at least not atm) haha
I’m idk maybe I’m not like the other kids. Or maybe I in fact am like everyone else, an average jane. [Quiet little person (idk why do I use the adjective little for me so often). I should be firm, firmer not gooey and soft (?). Be strong, okay?]

so, just a random list of things I’d like to learn/do:

  1. singing
  2. cartwheels
  3. typography
  4. build sth with tools
  5. Italian (parlo poco poco Italiano, haha)
  6. calculate faster, like really fast (in my head)
  7. be a wildflower 🙂

I feel okay now. Much better.
Lots of love
J

my firefly

6 September ’18, Thursday
7:00 pm

So [I’m tired of feeling this way – elijah who] is playing in the background. And I’m here evaluating my little fears. Those terribly tiny things that make me overthink, overwork my head. And more often than not it turns out to be harmless little things.

[Sufjan Stevens – Fourth Of July] playing right now https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq5NvJvr55Q it’s just so sad and heartbreaking sigh

Last night I was looking up places to stay (in Blg) and it hit me that I’d be alone in a foreign place with foreign people. I’d be alone.
Right now, in this moment, I’m sitting here at my study table (in my room) with a cup of coffee listening to music [elliott smith – between the bars]. It’s raining outside. Little B is sleeping on the bed. There are laundered clothes in a little jumble on another corner of the bed. I like this moment, the present moment. I’m here in this moment but I’m imagining how and where I’d be in a few weeks. It’d be so different from the present, the now.

What do I feel right now? Indifference, after all it’s my future self who’d be there living a lone life.  But I fear for her too. I fear for myself. Maybe this fear is unfounded. Yes, it is.

I’d be leaving on 29th. To venture out into my new life. Out of this walled existence. And you know the funny thing, I’m the one who’s walled myself in. I’ve held myself back.

Another silly thing, I worry about the laundry. Not about the food but the laundry haha.

I have no picture of it in my head, how it would be. It’s a blank canvas. It would paint itself as and when things happen.

Though I hope it’s like a warm summer evening filled with laughter and fireflies.  J, no expectations, right. Don’t put any ideas in your head. Whether it’s a dark dreary night or warm summer evening, you’d get to choose what to make of it, catch a movie with a cup of coffee, cosy in bed in that dark night or go out and just wander in the cool (or warm) summer evenings.
Maybe I’d cry some days. Yes, really high chances of that. Again J, no. No more talk of what it’ll be. Whatever it’ll be, it just would be. Just as it is [Boyo – Good As Gone]

kiss of the firefly (just a random string of words)

I’ll see you soon
until then
xoxo (haha)

someone, somewhere

5 September 2018
00:21 Wednesday

Gosh, I’d be 20 sth soon, I feel old. You know, when we were kids, I clearly remember my peers talking about growing up soon, and how it’d be cool to be a grownup (or whatever kids talked about then), and I on the other hand was quite content being a kid merrily going about my business. I remember being happy back then, I didn’t want to grow up. I was a happy kid I think, but aren’t all kids happy; ignorance is bliss after all haha

I’d soon be in Blg (let’s call it that, the city I’d be moving to in less than a month’s time). I have no expectations whatsoever. Any experience whether good or bad, it’d be an experience and I’d take it in my stride.
*deep breath* it’d be fine J, it’d be alright, it’s okay

If I say that I ain’t scared, I’d be lying, because I really am; same time next month, let’s see how I’d be doing then, shall we

okay, so I was wondering that strangely enough I find the concept of somewhere, someone, something quite fascinating. Maybe because there’s something unfulfilled, it feels empty(?) mhmm

I don’t have much to share rn, do I? My days are empty, I study a bit, maybe watch a movie or read a book, meet a friend sometime.. but isn’t that what I want, a peaceful life, bereft of all the drama and happenings that comes with a colourful life. It’s not that my life isn’t colourful, it is but you know it’s those light summery colours, like a breath of fresh air, like the blues and the pinks of a sleepy sky, mild and warm
maybe that’s who I am, and I should accept it; I would probably never fancy going to clubs, I’d rather make a cup of tea and catch a movie or something, or maybe just write about random innocuous thoughts swirling about in my head (like I’m doing rn)
you know, this place, yes this blank canvas right here, it feels safe here; writing is my safe place, it’s my refuge; I write for myself and once a while if I’m feeling brave enough I’d put it out for all to see (very inconspicuously though haha)

so I’m watching this movie rn, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, ~ 30 minutes through, the place looks so pretty sigh
when I read history, our history or the history of other places, I feel sad and helpless
and the fact that’s so laughable that they say they’re the politest bunch you’d ever meet, but what they did here was cruel, so much worse, ha
it’s about the narrative, you know it can mould a villain into a hero, for them a hero, for us, well we know the truth, the dark cold inhumane side
I think I’d read from history books to my kids, the good bits, yeah
*deep breath*
when people say I wish I was born in another era, referring to some time in their apparent glorious past; I can’t even imagine how it must have been then

the world, the working of the universe, it all seems unbiased and indifferent, it just is (as it is)
but humans, well humans are twisted; sure I know some of the kindest loveliest people I’ve ever met, maybe that’s how things are in balance, because of their goodness but people can be unemotional, cold yada yada too
let’s not talk about this stuff, the dark dreary stuff

I feel tired, I’ll get going now
regardless of everything
thank you universe for everything ❤