I feel inadequate
I feel inadequate
why why why
well, who can answer that
nice people are all around
1 January 2018
Happy fckn new year! Ha
New year, same old life though. I just finished watching the movie A Monster Calls. Cried a bit. Nothing new there.
So, things rn.. you know how you’d feel when stuck in a jelly. Stuck. Suspended. You’d have to wriggle wriggle wriggle to get out. Get out!
I want to sleep. Forever? idk
Will you love me? (Don’t mind me.. just listening to some music)
22 November, Wednesday
I’m a very stubborn person, aren’t I? When will you mend your ways!? (yes, I’m angry (at), disappointed with myself). I don’t know, I’m just so fucked up. I don’t learn, do I?
The exam is on Sunday. And yet, I’m still not prepared. To think of it, when am I ever. Yes, never really. It’s all procrastination and this complacent attitude (that things would anyway work out). Like, I’ve just stopped caring. I’m resigned. Resigned myself to my fate. I’m not even using my freewill.
I do this every fucking time. Not do much till the last moment. Then freak out in the end. Cry over spilled milk that I didn’t make better use of my freaking time. Ugh
I’ll get back to you in a while
Hey. So, I’ve left some noodles on the stove.
Um yes, I was thinking.. countless times, in fact every single time I’ve attached such value with a task being fulfilled that it dilapidates(?) me, renders me in a state of despair seemingly because of my thinking that this is it. There’s nothing beyond it, no other option, no other lifeboat to save me from drowning. And when the metaphoric storm (the said task) passes over (is accomplished), I realise I had blown it out of proportion.. the result, the value attached to it.
Idk. I’m just.. lost?
Yeah. I’ll just go now.
15 November, Wednesday
Just finished watching the Truman Show on tv. Yep, on television itself.
So, yeah. Cramps. I feel messy (?) and just not well overall. Weird.
You know, I just feel like I’ve been being hit with the same pattern. It’s the same or similar situation I’m stuck in rn, I’ve been in similar situations before ~ 12th, 1st year and now. It’s a freaking ongoing pattern. When the eff would it end?
I know, action has consequences but so does inaction. And the fate that I’m suffering (?) or maybe just this fate, it is bc of inaction. You know, in final year when I wasn’t getting placed, I thought ‘yeah, you wouldn’t let me have it so easy, you want me to struggle, to wait for it’; even after 12th it wasn’t that I got my college in the first go, it was in the second or the third counselling ,I think; and then even when I did get the job, when I finally got placed, somehow I ended up not joining it.. just wtf
Why is this happening? Get a job, work, do mba maybe.. things would have been on effing track; Why derail it?
And now it seems like I’m in a suspended state.
See, even when I went back to college, I did write (in the notes on my phone) that all this feels unreal.. that it’d be soon over, that it’s all temporary. And it did get over. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was tormenting myself by continuing. Anyway, that’s all over. Thank god.
I feel complacent, smug with the way things are rn; which isn’t good at all. I shouldn’t be content. Time waits for none. I might just get left behind and time would whoosh past me.
What’ll it be? Where will I end up? Eff it all
I have no effing clue, what will become of my life!
I’m not even applying anywhere bc I low key don’t want to face an interview. I just don’t want to do anything anymore, do I?
Okay, soon everything would be fine. And I’d soon write about good things.
One good thing. I made a nice cup of coffee last night. And I have warm clothes to wear in this cold weather. Thank you.
Yeah. Just bye bye
2 November, Thursday
I just finished reading Fight Club. Read most of it today only.
Okay, I know it’s a cult classic. All these quotes and ‘Joe’s *insert whatever*’ floating around. I had already decided that if I’d watch the movie, I’d read the book first. Now, I’m not even sure if I want to watch the movie. Usually if I’ve already read the book, I don’t watch the movie.
It’s about materialism and consumerism and all, right? Okay, so I did get that from the fact when he says that everything in his house was him.. sth along those lines. The condiments, the sofa and all those things.
I don’t know what to make of it. What the take away was. I’ll read online what the ‘moral of the story’ was (so to say), but first I’ll write what I think about it.
I had read last night on reddit in some thread that this book shows the importance of having a purpose in life. But how, where?
He did live a monotonous life, day in day out. Work, home and his little condiments in the refrigerator.
He did die in the end, right? Then how is he still narrating in the chapter 30.
He was frustrated with his life. The same monotony of everyday life. He sought a release (?); going the remaining men together thing, the support group where he cried. That was his release. Catharsis of sorts, to let it all out, the pent up emotions.
Marla, she went to these groups bc it made her feel better about her life(?) That she didn’t have it all that bad. That she was still alive(?) She did live vicariously though, did she? No, I guess not. Tyler Durden did.
I just want sth to tie it all up oh so perfectly. It seems so rough around the edges in my head. The thoughts are messy and just floating around.
The narrator is a nice person. He’s a coward (?), maybe coward’s too strong a word here, he’s just passive; like so many others going through the drudgery of their lives, not seeking something more, anything. Hasn’t had a father figure. I think this is all bc of not having a support system, a network of people one can always rely on. Maybe bc people live isolated lives, with no sense of belonging/belongingness.
Was the world actually so cruel? For him to develop an alter ego, not against the world though, but against a class, a strata of society. The so called privileged ones.
He needs an out, he needs something, something which makes his life meaningful. So he wages this war. A war against who though? The previous generation, the affluent? Who?
Maybe the fight club did give them all a sense of belonging, a brotherhood of sorts. A place where they just are, where they aren’t defined by their age, their names or anything. It’s just who they are. And they fight, they just fight and let it all out.
And I think his so called army, so many people want to join it, bc it gives them a higher purpose, at least makes them think so. To do their bit?
Oh yes, it gives them power. Power to make their own choices. That they can make history?
It also reminded me of how some groups, not good people groups, brainwash young people to join them (like the space monkeys?). And say that it’ll fulfill their purpose in life and other bullshit. Utter total bs.
I was just wondering, so does that building actually get blown up?
23 October, Monday
I slept at 7:30 pm today. Yep. In the evening. Pretty early, I know.
Maybe that’s why, I ain’t that sleepy atm.
Anyway, I wanted to say something. That somehow some time today it all stopped feeling so messy. And I feel better than okay. About life, about everything.
It doesn’t feel like the end of the world. It isn’t even, so chill.
One thing at a time. One step at a time. It’ll all be alright.
Get up and go running in the morning, will you? Of course, it’s easing saying than the actual getting up and going running.
It’s 12:01 am rn, the next day. Yep.
That’s all for now. Will get going.
Love ya ❤