It’s okay

28 March, Tuesday
7:45 pm

Tbh I’m feeling depressed (can one feel depressed or is it that one is depressed). Um.. I’m just sad, and I feel (/it feels) empty. Okay, now I’m crying (not full on, but just tears in my eyes, silent crying (?)).
I’m fine. Sigh

I feel sad when you know, people don’t reciprocate the same way. I know, I shouldn’t have expectations but I just can’t help it. It’s like something inbuilt. Silly me. Have no expectations from anyone anymore, okay, understood? (I’m talking to myself. Yup)

I don’t feel restless now. I feel tired. Despite not doing anything strenuous.
Deep breath

College ends soon. I’m happy. Others are worried that it’ll be a new life, there’s uncertainty to it blah blah. But I’m cool. Despite the fact that I don’t have a job yet. But I’m cool. It’ll all be alright. Yep. I’m positive about it.
I won’t go mad.

Having a job is crucial. It gives you some purpose in life. Even though it might be mechanical and mundane but better than having nothing to do.

Listening to random songs. With no lyrics.
I’ll get going now.

See ya
Love ya ❤

PS: Thank you for everything 🙂

Chaos

24 March ’17, Friday
10:14 am

Okay. Here I am. Again (like always, until one fine day).

So, I woke up at 8:30 today morning. Late, I know. I slept by 11 or 12. Sometime around that. I put the alarm for 6 sth. But of course I couldn’t, didn’t wake up. I could have, if I wanted to. But I just slept. Ahhh

Atm I have no discipline in my life.
__________________________________________________________________

Anyway, hi again. It’s 5:45 pm rn. Evening, yep.

I feel very restless atm. Didn’t study anything substantial. I just while away time. Wait for the day to end. And sleep.
Not nice J. Not nice at all.

Okay.

Can you envision the kind of life you want?
Yes, right.
A quaint (little) house. A nice job. Time to shop, read books and go out. Have something nice to do all week. Something that gives me a purpose. Um.. I want to do something.
But to get the kind of job I want, I have to study a fair bit. Get some order in my life and work towards it.
Also, I want to go running in the mornings. I did start running a while a ago. Even continued for a bit, but after returning from there (saying bye bye to the rad black uniform), I was a little disheartened and just left it all.
And wear, dress however I want to. I mean, I still can but I get conscious. Bleh. That’s me
That’s why, become fitter (not that I am really healthy and fit rn). Then, I could experiment more.
Sleep less. I’ve noticed a day isn’t such a small amount of time. Lots can be done in a day. Yeah, if I do, I could do lots.

I know I have to sort it all out myself.

You know, so I came across these articles. More like stumbled upon them courtesy facebook. Anyway, so what it concluded was two things to lead a happy and/or fulfilled life.

  1. Quality of close relationships. Good life is built with good relationships
  2. Autonomy over your life. Independence, the degree of freedom you have over (/in) your life

So, I’m not really a loner. Though I might be. I do have a few good friends. But I don’t talk a lot. You know, I never share a lot of personal stuff. Well, now I do a little.
I can count my friends on my fingers. But so called friend- friend or kinda acquaintances, I mean they are friends but not really good friends. No connection. Yeah.
I have few good friends. Is that mutual though? To an extent, I think. I hope so.

And autonomy over life.. Well, you know what I’ve said before. That I’m just floating. Not even swimming towards the shore or the cruise ship. I just let things be. So, yeah, not much control.

I’m honest here. Just lay my thoughts bare here. Naked. I might seem like such a sob story.
Alright, get some focus now.

I’ll see you soon
Lots of love ❤
Goodness, sparkle and magic

P.S: Don't hide. The genuine you is a lovely person. Let your soul shine

A day

20 March, Monday
16:00

Hey

Lately, I don’t feel like writing much in my diary (the real physical diary). You know, my diary, it won’t really have the facts and details.. um it’s more of feelings. Whatever it was going through my mind at that moment. It’s just stuff from here and there. Nothing solid, not very substantial. Ha

Anyway, I didn’t go to college today. Mhmm. I’m listening to Thinking ’bout you. Nice song.

I love doggies. Yep.

I guess that’s it. Btw classes on sat and sun. They went fine.

I don’t give a eff anymore. I think. About others. Because, frankly speaking, why should i? When I didn’t exist for them, Idc anymore ’bout them.
I don’t want to give a eff about those unfeeling creatures (who’re human beings). Bleh. Enough silly talk

Let’s talk about something else

So, the history class, two hours passed and I didn’t even feel it. Which is good.

I’m 55 now btw. Just 5 more kilos to go. And I’ll be happy with my weight. Ha ha. Well, I want to look good on farewell. Bleh

Such stupid stuff. I’ll go now.

Thanks for everything ❤
Truly
Lots of love

Be someone else

12 March, Sunday
10:20 pm

I have such random titles, right? Usually it’s the first thing off my head.

So, I’ve at least gotten somethings off the list (not that I had a list in the first place, just saying). Updated my linkedin profile. Shortened my resume to a single page.

Oh! And I saw a cute movie tonight. Yeah.

Hey. What would I make of this life?

So, rn I’m listening to a podcast. Yep. The mysteries in this universe (hidden the name of the podcast in the sentence).

Alright. So, moving forward. The only thing I can do in life.
You know, it’s a little uncertain atm. The getting a job part. Well.. and I have nothing to say.

Anyway, is it possible to have a crush on a random stranger? I think I do, or maybe not. No, I don’t. It’s just that the guy is really really smart. Like really smart. And I find that attractive, I think. It’s what’s in your head, who you really are.

I do hope that I marry a smart and kind guy. I think I will. Because it’s someone I’d spend my entire life with. Share every waking (sleeping) moment with.
So, I really am dreamy, aren’t I?
One of my friends said so, in some similar guy context. That I’d find the one *batting eyelashes* my one true love.

Sheesh. Such mushy talk. Guess I can’t help it, can I? Bleh

I just wanted to talk, and here I am saying anything and everything that comes to my mind. It’s all random until it gets a direction.

I think I can’t really decide which direction should I walk in.

I’ll go ab. I can’t talk anymore. I feel very tired.

See you
Lots of love and happiness ❤
Stay strange (the good kind)

What’ll it be

10 March, Friday
4:00 pm

Sigh. Or maybe not.

Read this somewhere today, “No body is actually ever too busy to respond. If they didn’t answer, they didn’t want to”. It’s true after all. Yep. People just reply a little (read very) late, like it’s a formality they’ve to get over with (rather than not replying at all). Annoying, is it?

Aye, such sad talk. Let’s cheer up a little.

I did have some things to say. But can’t quite recall it atm.
Um okay. So, I’m a really really flawed person (which I’ve made amply clear before too). Yesterday, I slept mostly. Didn’t study at all. Didn’t do much today too, up till now.

Ah. Whatsoever will you do, little one (I’m talking to myself, yeah. Not crazy).

And why can’t I have an easy way out. I have to work, yep. It’s cool though.

Goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd!

What’s happening in the world. Peace, please do prevail.

see you
ttyl

Who am I?

5 March, Sunday
10:30 pm

Hey

Today was tiring. I reached home by 8. Of course, my parents came to pick me up. Love ya.

You know, it’s not so easy clearing the exam. It requires lots and lots of hard work. And discipline. Well, tbh I got a little scared. Um, about the getting through part. But, anyway, let’s not think about it. One step at a time. Let’s just enjoy those subjects, for now.

Okay, somewhere during the lectures today, the prof said something that made me thinking about this. Who am I? What makes me ‘me’?
Is it what all I’ve done in my life, my achievements?
Or my characteristics? My personality?

Oh, yeah now I remember, he was saying what would we write if we had to write an essay on ourselves. Like you write an essay or even just a para on ‘yourself’. And then I started thinking how much do I really know myself. Do I really know myself?
You know, one of reasons, I think, why I won’t be marrying anytime soon. Well, I anyway wouldn’t have, because I’m still such a kid. But, yeah, I first need to know myself, only then it’ll happen, whatever has to (happen).

Also, I think I’ll just crash now. I’m exhausted. I’ll work on the college project tomorrow.

The people there, the teachers and everyone, they seemed really nice. Like good people.

Alright then
Goodnight
Sweet dreams ❤

Lots of love!

P.S: Thank you for everything 🙂