fight club, huh

2 November, Thursday
4:50 pm

Hi
I just finished reading Fight Club. Read most of it today only.
Okay, I know it’s a cult classic. All these quotes and ‘Joe’s *insert whatever*’ floating around. I had already decided that if I’d watch the movie, I’d read the book first. Now, I’m not even sure if I want to watch the movie. Usually if I’ve already read the book, I don’t watch the movie.

It’s about materialism and consumerism and all, right? Okay, so I did get that from the fact when he says that everything in his house was him.. sth along those lines. The condiments, the sofa and all those things.
I don’t know what to make of it. What the take away was. I’ll read online what the ‘moral of the story’ was (so to say), but first I’ll write what I think about it.

I had read last night on reddit in some thread that this book shows the importance of having a purpose in life. But how, where?
He did live a monotonous life, day in day out. Work, home and his little condiments in the refrigerator.
He did die in the end, right? Then how is he still narrating in the chapter 30.

He was frustrated with his life. The same monotony of everyday life. He sought a release (?); going the remaining men together thing, the support group where he cried. That was his release. Catharsis of sorts, to let it all out, the pent up emotions.
Marla, she went to these groups bc it made her feel better about her life(?) That she didn’t have it all that bad. That she was still alive(?) She did live vicariously though, did she? No, I guess not. Tyler Durden did.

I just want sth to tie it all up oh so perfectly. It seems so rough around the edges in my head. The thoughts are messy and just floating around.

The narrator is a nice person. He’s a coward (?), maybe coward’s too strong a word here, he’s just passive; like so many others going through the drudgery of their lives, not seeking something more, anything. Hasn’t had a father figure. I think this is all bc of not having a support system, a network of people one can always rely on. Maybe bc people live isolated lives, with no sense of belonging/belongingness.
Was the world actually so cruel? For him to develop an alter ego, not against the world though, but against a class, a strata of society.  The so called privileged ones.
He needs an out, he needs something, something which makes his life meaningful. So he wages this war. A war against who though? The previous generation, the affluent? Who?
Maybe the fight club did give them all a sense of belonging, a brotherhood of sorts. A place where they just are, where they aren’t defined by their age, their names or anything. It’s just who they are. And they fight, they just fight and let it all out.
And I think his so called army, so many people want to join it, bc it gives them a higher purpose, at least makes them think so. To do their bit?
Oh yes, it gives them power. Power to make their own choices. That they can make history?

It also reminded me of how some groups, not good people groups, brainwash young people to join them (like the space monkeys?). And say that it’ll fulfill their purpose in life and other bullshit. Utter total bs.

I was just wondering, so does that building actually get blown up?

That’s all.

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Shelfs 

23 October, Monday
11:52 pm

Hey
I slept at 7:30 pm today. Yep. In the evening. Pretty early, I know.
Maybe that’s why, I ain’t that sleepy atm.

Anyway,  I wanted to say something.  That somehow some time today it all stopped feeling so messy. And I feel better than okay. About life, about everything.  
It doesn’t feel like the end of the world. It isn’t even,  so chill. 

One thing at a time. One step at a time.  It’ll all be alright.  

Get up and go running in the morning,  will you? Of course,  it’s easing saying than the actual getting up and going running. 
It’s 12:01 am rn, the next day. Yep.

That’s all for now. Will get going.
See ya
Love ya ❤

No sleep

17 October, Tuesday
2:03 am

Yep. Couldn’t sleep.
There were some things going through my head. And I was just thinking and thinking. So, I thought why not just jot it down (and maybe get it all over with).
It’s 3:21 am. I started editing something. Now I’m sleepy. Legit
Goodnight
ttyl ❤

I’m not myself (it’s a song btw)

13 October, Friday
11:06 pm

Hey
Last night, I found some long lost songs. Oh how good it felt to hear them again. Listening to some music rn too. Music is my.. haven (?).. refuge, yes. It’s a safe place.
Well, I think I’ll get going. I wanted to talk a bit. About my life and other things. But idk, seems like it has sorta vapourised.
Okay, remember, don’t go there again. Alright. It gets you nowhere. *deep breath*
You’re fine.

Okay then
Will talk to you later
About the mess and how it can be sorted. Bit by bit.
see ya ❤

eh

21 September, Thursday
2:06 pm

Anyway, it’s 2:37 pm.
Eh
So, have a little cousin over. Kids. Ask so many questions. And I’ve noticed he gets bored v v easily. Short attention span.

So, over to my life. Since quite some time, I’ve been saying that it’s a mess. It seems so. Maybe, it truly is. I need to take a broom and declutter it.

I’m doing masters. In technology. In a subject I don’t like the least bit. From the same college I did my bachelors from. I hate every minute of it. Maybe hate’s too strong a word. But I just don’t like it, not even the least bit.

Idk, it just feels like I’m in a suspended state. Lost. Adrift.
what should I do?

should I let things happen or should I make things happen?
should I swim towards the shore or should I let the waves take me wherever?

you know, I’ve been sleeping in the afternoons more, more than usual. that’s what happens when I’m feeling down. so, it happens when I’m not engaged in something meaningful, or just busy with something. like, I won’t have time to feel sad or whatever it is that  I feel when I have exams going on. it’s anxiety and looming darkness what I feel before and during exams.

I feel like I should just write you know pen and paper kind, see you soon then
love ya ❤