oar (maybe, roar)

1 November ’17, Wednesday
4:55 pm

Hey,
Do you think I need to get a grip on my life?
Okay, so I’ll just get it all out today. Write it all. And get it out in the open. Let’s list it all out, one by one. How things progressed and reached where it all is today. I’m doing this bc I need to have some perspective.
May – final year-end term exams

  1. June – and so it begins..
  2. July – the results were out on 1st, so yes, finally a graduate (not that it mattered much, was no big deal; it seemed natural, only a step in the series of progression anyway bound to happen)
  3. August – had a sort of semi imp exam in the end of Aug, the results were out yesterday, I didn’t clear it (I hadn’t even prepared much for it, so it was inevitable)
    Also, I went back to college again, though reluctantly, to pursue masters in a subject I was least interested in for lack of a better option (it was all my doing and decision, to go back that is)
  4. September – gave first minors; I was miserable the two months I went back; stopped going to college around Sept end, last I went was on 22nd
  5. October – and now this whole month, well, I just grandly let it all go to waste doing nothing

So, it was bullets earlier, but just now I changed the it to numbered bullets, to see the time I had frittered away. Well, lots of it, it seems now.
So, I took the decision to drop out of masters to study for mba. But yes, dawdled all the time. How could I not do anything?
It’s like I have no sense of my own life. I don’t own my life. Resigned to it.

5*30 = 150 days

Okay, just for the sake of it let us subtract 90 days, June, Aug and Sept. June, just bc it was the month after exams ended. Aug and Sept were spent in pursuing the futile masters, well a part of it, even though halfheartedly.
So, that leaves us with July and Aug
2*30 = 60 days

Argh, I think I am trying to justifying even the time I wasted. You know showing it as much lesser. Well, let’s see first 10 days of Aug and last 10 days of Sept, I wasn’t in college.
So, 80 days. And I should count 10 days of June too (20 days are enough to chill or just not do anything). That adds up to 90 days. So, 3 months.
October was completely legit wasted wasted. No fckn denying that.

Okay.

  1. I’ll start with clearing the mess on the table. Sorting it out.
  2. Running, skipping or even walking. Just fckn doing sth
  3. case studies
  4. apti | english | reasoning (it’s 3 parts, more than that actually, but for now do these three)
  5. Read newspaper

Okay, then once I’m on track. I’ll start applying for jobs.
yes? yes.

See you.

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I’m not myself (it’s a song btw)

13 October, Friday
11:06 pm

Hey
Last night, I found some long lost songs. Oh how good it felt to hear them again. Listening to some music rn too. Music is my.. haven (?).. refuge, yes. It’s a safe place.
Well, I think I’ll get going. I wanted to talk a bit. About my life and other things. But idk, seems like it has sorta vapourised.
Okay, remember, don’t go there again. Alright. It gets you nowhere. *deep breath*
You’re fine.

Okay then
Will talk to you later
About the mess and how it can be sorted. Bit by bit.
see ya ❤

eh

21 September, Thursday
2:06 pm

Anyway, it’s 2:37 pm.
Eh
So, have a little cousin over. Kids. Ask so many questions. And I’ve noticed he gets bored v v easily. Short attention span.

So, over to my life. Since quite some time, I’ve been saying that it’s a mess. It seems so. Maybe, it truly is. I need to take a broom and declutter it.

I’m doing masters. In technology. In a subject I don’t like the least bit. From the same college I did my bachelors from. I hate every minute of it. Maybe hate’s too strong a word. But I just don’t like it, not even the least bit.

Idk, it just feels like I’m in a suspended state. Lost. Adrift.
what should I do?

should I let things happen or should I make things happen?
should I swim towards the shore or should I let the waves take me wherever?

you know, I’ve been sleeping in the afternoons more, more than usual. that’s what happens when I’m feeling down. so, it happens when I’m not engaged in something meaningful, or just busy with something. like, I won’t have time to feel sad or whatever it is that  I feel when I have exams going on. it’s anxiety and looming darkness what I feel before and during exams.

I feel like I should just write you know pen and paper kind, see you soon then
love ya ❤

I ran 1 km!

6 September
00:43 am

Hey!
I ran and walked (walked more) 1.1 km last evening.

Okay then
See you soon
P.S: wth, how can that person be so good, like intense and smart and cute, and smart, good with words and  a fairly good photographer.. ugh.. would the person ever reply, eh.. idc now.. we’re just two people existing in the same time and space, maybe never to meet (we might meet one day, I hope).. we do share one more thing.. mhmm, it’s all cool 🙂

Are we there yet?

4 September, Monday
1:54 am

I got a new phone last night!! I think I like it a fair bit. I like the interface.
I’m getting a haircut soon. I have long hair, waist length almost. Maybe I shouldn’t really get it too short. It kinda looks pretty when it’s shampooed and all combed properly.

I think I should make some efforts to lose a few kilos.  I’d look better then. Maybe even a little pretty. Bleh. Running is hard work. And more than that, the getting up in the morning to actually get running.
Okay, so it’s 2:42 am rn and I had a file to complete which I haven’t even started with. Ugh.
It’s 3:03 now.
Yeah. I’ll get going now.
Btw my life, it’s a little messy.
I was downloading and going through apps, podcast players actually.
Okay.

Will get going now. Update you with my life later.
See ya ❤