It feels empty, idk maybe

25 May, Thursday
10:25 pm

Um.. so, yeah college ended. I’m okay. Not sad. Not particularly happy. But it just feels empty, well sorta. And very very tired.

You know, I’ve realised one thing, people just click. You really can’t force friendships. Nuh uh. They just happen. It’s spontaneous. Or is it?

You really can’t make people fall in love with you too. If it has to happen, it will.. is that how it is so?
I do think a lot. About random innocuous stuff.

I had quite a few things going through my head, earlier in the day. But nothing much now.

___________________________________________

and it’s 26 May, 11:40 pm

anyway, yes, I wanted to talk about the remembering stuff, remember? 😛

I don’t remember it all. I think I’ve been forgetting it, day by day. What’s already happened, I remember little.

It’s a scary thought. I don’t remember what others do. It’s like it never happened, but it did.

Okay, I’ll talk about it later.
Just that

See ya 😀

It’s okay

28 March, Tuesday
7:45 pm

Tbh I’m feeling depressed (can one feel depressed or is it that one is depressed). Um.. I’m just sad, and I feel (/it feels) empty. Okay, now I’m crying (not full on, but just tears in my eyes, silent crying (?)).
I’m fine. Sigh

I feel sad when you know, people don’t reciprocate the same way. I know, I shouldn’t have expectations but I just can’t help it. It’s like something inbuilt. Silly me. Have no expectations from anyone anymore, okay, understood? (I’m talking to myself. Yup)

I don’t feel restless now. I feel tired. Despite not doing anything strenuous.
Deep breath

College ends soon. I’m happy. Others are worried that it’ll be a new life, there’s uncertainty to it blah blah. But I’m cool. Despite the fact that I don’t have a job yet. But I’m cool. It’ll all be alright. Yep. I’m positive about it.
I won’t go mad.

Having a job is crucial. It gives you some purpose in life. Even though it might be mechanical and mundane but better than having nothing to do.

Listening to random songs. With no lyrics.
I’ll get going now.

See ya
Love ya ❤

PS: Thank you for everything 🙂

A day

20 March, Monday
16:00

Hey

Lately, I don’t feel like writing much in my diary (the real physical diary). You know, my diary, it won’t really have the facts and details.. um it’s more of feelings. Whatever it was going through my mind at that moment. It’s just stuff from here and there. Nothing solid, not very substantial. Ha

Anyway, I didn’t go to college today. Mhmm. I’m listening to Thinking ’bout you. Nice song.

I love doggies. Yep.

I guess that’s it. Btw classes on sat and sun. They went fine.

I don’t give a eff anymore. I think. About others. Because, frankly speaking, why should i? When I didn’t exist for them, Idc anymore ’bout them.
I don’t want to give a eff about those unfeeling creatures (who’re human beings). Bleh. Enough silly talk

Let’s talk about something else

So, the history class, two hours passed and I didn’t even feel it. Which is good.

I’m 55 now btw. Just 5 more kilos to go. And I’ll be happy with my weight. Ha ha. Well, I want to look good on farewell. Bleh

Such stupid stuff. I’ll go now.

Thanks for everything ❤
Truly
Lots of love

Be someone else

12 March, Sunday
10:20 pm

I have such random titles, right? Usually it’s the first thing off my head.

So, I’ve at least gotten somethings off the list (not that I had a list in the first place, just saying). Updated my linkedin profile. Shortened my resume to a single page.

Oh! And I saw a cute movie tonight. Yeah.

Hey. What would I make of this life?

So, rn I’m listening to a podcast. Yep. The mysteries in this universe (hidden the name of the podcast in the sentence).

Alright. So, moving forward. The only thing I can do in life.
You know, it’s a little uncertain atm. The getting a job part. Well.. and I have nothing to say.

Anyway, is it possible to have a crush on a random stranger? I think I do, or maybe not. No, I don’t. It’s just that the guy is really really smart. Like really smart. And I find that attractive, I think. It’s what’s in your head, who you really are.

I do hope that I marry a smart and kind guy. I think I will. Because it’s someone I’d spend my entire life with. Share every waking (sleeping) moment with.
So, I really am dreamy, aren’t I?
One of my friends said so, in some similar guy context. That I’d find the one *batting eyelashes* my one true love.

Sheesh. Such mushy talk. Guess I can’t help it, can I? Bleh

I just wanted to talk, and here I am saying anything and everything that comes to my mind. It’s all random until it gets a direction.

I think I can’t really decide which direction should I walk in.

I’ll go ab. I can’t talk anymore. I feel very tired.

See you
Lots of love and happiness ❤
Stay strange (the good kind)

Who am I?

5 March, Sunday
10:30 pm

Hey

Today was tiring. I reached home by 8. Of course, my parents came to pick me up. Love ya.

You know, it’s not so easy clearing the exam. It requires lots and lots of hard work. And discipline. Well, tbh I got a little scared. Um, about the getting through part. But, anyway, let’s not think about it. One step at a time. Let’s just enjoy those subjects, for now.

Okay, somewhere during the lectures today, the prof said something that made me thinking about this. Who am I? What makes me ‘me’?
Is it what all I’ve done in my life, my achievements?
Or my characteristics? My personality?

Oh, yeah now I remember, he was saying what would we write if we had to write an essay on ourselves. Like you write an essay or even just a para on ‘yourself’. And then I started thinking how much do I really know myself. Do I really know myself?
You know, one of reasons, I think, why I won’t be marrying anytime soon. Well, I anyway wouldn’t have, because I’m still such a kid. But, yeah, I first need to know myself, only then it’ll happen, whatever has to (happen).

Also, I think I’ll just crash now. I’m exhausted. I’ll work on the college project tomorrow.

The people there, the teachers and everyone, they seemed really nice. Like good people.

Alright then
Goodnight
Sweet dreams ❤

Lots of love!

P.S: Thank you for everything 🙂

A little of this and a little of that

4 March, Saturday
11:40 pm

Hi there!

Right, so I had written all this in the metro on my way back home on Wednesday.

______________________________________________________________________

1 March, Wednesday
6:55 pm

I think this thing would always be like this. Me not knowing what’s the joke about (basically, me never truly being ‘in’ in the group).
It’s not such a pleasant feeling, well of course. But it just is. I don’t know if I send good thoughts into the universe, would that change things?
Hmmm
I don’t know

______________________________________________________________________

Well, I should get over this stuff. But it’s just that, it’s good to be somewhere (where) you truly belong. I did know where or better yet with whom I actually did, but it was a wee bit late.

So, someone I truly adore and respect says that they don’t know my worth (don’t value me). And that I’ll soon meet the people who really do. Cheers to that day!
You know though, there are some lovely souls in my life rn who do know my worth. And I truly love them. They’re a bunch of beautiful people. I wish I had hung out more with them. But I do whenever I can.
It’s all a little messy tbh.

I wish I was (and still hope to be) a little (a lot more tbh) bolder.

There’s this another thing. I get so camera conscious. My candid photos do come out better for the same reason. Someone asks me to pose, and it’ll be a disaster (well, usually). I feel bad for the people in the same frame as me. It could have been a better photograph had I not been so awkward. Had I not been me. The *me* me.

So, tomorrow’s the first day (today, it’s after midnight now). And I think I better sleep now. Tomorrow (today) should be a great day. Uhhh. I shouldn’t overdo it. Have no expectations. That works better for me, you know. Alright then, tomorrow would be just like any other day. Perfectly normal.

Okay then
Goodnight
Lots of love ❤
And just goodness and happiness
And all the loveliness and kindness

It’s all working out, you (I) just can’t see it yet. It’s like the behind the scene productions is in a frenzy, making it all work. Making all the pieces fit together beautifully. You’ll soon see. It’ll be a dream. A soul-stirring beautiful one.

And thank you! Love you! 🙂

P.S: I think I did well in the exams. So, it’s all cool.

Not much to say

25 February, Saturday
11:13 pm

Right. So, hello.

I suppose you’re doing fine. And I’m alright, I think.

I don’t have a lot to say. Oh! I did get my learner’s license today. Yeah, and it was a long day today, and I didn’t study much. Nada tbh. I should start soon. You would, won’t you. Hopefully, I will.

I’m excited, kind of, for the classes beginning 5th. It’s a Sunday. I’ll get to learn so much. And more than anything else, I’m happy about the knowledge I’d attain (no kidding though). I know it sounds nerdy, but that’s how it is. I think I’ll enjoy those subjects.
Not so much technical overload, it’ll be lighter. Though there’ll be a lot of stuff to absorb, but I’m fine with it 🙂

I’m happy that college is ending. I know, usually people aren’t so psyched about it, but I think college hasn’t been the usual happy carefree experience for me. Um.. there’s been a fair bit of (what’s the word) stormy waters that I’ve had to sail through. Weird vibes. Obfuscating relationships (?). Heartbreaks. People stomping all over my heart.

Eh.

I’ve had my share. But I’ve met some lovely people too. I think in the end it boils down to the company you share (keep(?)). Going through such stuff made me realise who actually matter. To whom do I really matter..

I wouldn’t want to live these 4 years again. I know. But, it’s okay. These little things make me who I am.
I could have done so much more. Been a beautiful butterfly.
Run away from people who give you the heebie-jeebies. You really cannot force yourself to like someone. Vice-versa. It just happens. And it’s mutual, I guess, to an extent.

But it’s okay. I got to see both the worlds. The good, the bad. It made me appreciate all the goodness around me.

Yeah. I think I’ve said a lot more than not much. Thanks for bearing with me.

Also, I hope to get above 85% (somewhere around 86-87%) this semester. Btw I got 85.3% last semester. Yup. Thanks! For everything.

And I will get down with the studying. I’m such a big procrastinator -.-

Yeah. So see you soon.

Copper
Lots of love
Someone you know

Life’s a game, is it?

24 February, Friday
8:35 pm

No TGIF for me, eh.

Anyway, a big hello!

I couldn’t clear the interview. Had told ya, it’d be a miracle if I did, didn’t I. And of course miracles don’t happen everyday.

I feel lonely sometimes, I think. Though I have friends and family. I love them, they love me. But still.
It’s like I’m lonely in a crowd. I’d be surrounded with people, I’d feel.. idk, just the same, regardless.

Exams from Monday. Haven’t started studying yet. I will soon though. It’ll be fine.

Whoever, wherever you are. I have no idea who am I talking about, but find me soon. I hope we meet soon. Idk why but I have this feeling that I’m about to meet you, soon, pretty soon.

You’re a friend. Hopefully.

My thoughts out here are so random. No one knows about this place. It’s like my personal thought palace.
Okay then
I’ll see you soon.

Lots of love
And lovely people

PS: About Time. Wonderful movie

The occasional bout of rain

14 February, Tuesday
3:02 pm

Hey there!
So, the life changing interview’s from this Friday. And I’m so so freaking.. well, now that I think of it, I’m not exactly scared per se. A few moments ago, I did think that I’m scared, but not anymore. t should be fine. It’ll be some experience.

And a while ago I was fretting over not having any true real friends some trivial issue but it’s okay now. Maybe, I just overthink a wee bit more than the usual time and amount. I do have a bunch of friends, I could say, I think.

Ayeeee, why am I even thinking about this stuff.

I’ll go eat some honey. Really bad throat. Please get well before this Friday. Somehow. Anyhow. Idc. Yup.

If I clear this interview, it’d be a miracle. I’m not kidding. I wouldn’t be able to believe it. But I so hope it comes true and I get selected. I am writing this here (don’t know what am I talking about but let’s wait and see), one year from now, 14 February 2018 or even less, six months from now, August/Sept 2017; let’s see where would I stand. Mhmmmmm
Food for some thought. Ha.
I’ll connect the dots in the end. It’ll be so much fun.

Okay, so the things I want

a great job
a great bod
a great SO ❤ (so kind and loving (and smart (and tall (and handsome and a gentleman))))
a great attitude

Also Thank you 🙂 and *touchwood* for absolutely everything.
Love all
Lots
XOXO 😀

Stay strange

30 January, Monday
9:17 pm

Hey

Um.. I’ve been meaning to talk (write) to you since quite sometime. I had this feeling like something is missing, not until I wrote on here. You know, like sending it across (into) the universe.

So, a week (and a half) ago, I got this really great news. Finally presented with an opportunity. Something that’d make my dream(s) come true. So, initially I had this feeling – I’ve never before in my life wanted anything with such intensity – yeah. But then now, it’s not exactly fuzzled out, it’s there, but not with the same intensity.

Regardless, I do want to wear the uniform. Yes, I do, with all my heart, Universe.
I absolutely love the uniform. The winter uniform. It’s black. It’s so classy. The coat, everything.

Ordinary love. Sentimental. The two songs I heard just now.

Anyway

It’ll be all fine in the end. The little pieces of my life will all fit lovingly with each other.

Maybe, me being the way I am, you know.. um, can’t really describe it right now. But in short, this overthinking soul, who just wants to be.

I can’t act or say two lines properly in front of the camera. I get camera conscious, to such a great extent. Ugh.
I cannot dance. Like ever. In front of anyone. I just can’t. I just freeze. Wooden.

Anyway

I trust you. Whoever, where ever you are. You just are. Something. Universe.

I don’t live life, I think. The way it’s supposed to be lived. But, it’s all okay. It’ll soon be all fine and dandy. It still is. Is right now too.

So, love all.

Stay chill 🙂
XO
Miss Hopeful