It feels empty, idk maybe

25 May, Thursday
10:25 pm

Um.. so, yeah college ended. I’m okay. Not sad. Not particularly happy. But it just feels empty, well sorta. And very very tired.

You know, I’ve realised one thing, people just click. You really can’t force friendships. Nuh uh. They just happen. It’s spontaneous. Or is it?

You really can’t make people fall in love with you too. If it has to happen, it will.. is that how it is so?
I do think a lot. About random innocuous stuff.

I had quite a few things going through my head, earlier in the day. But nothing much now.

___________________________________________

and it’s 26 May, 11:40 pm

anyway, yes, I wanted to talk about the remembering stuff, remember? 😛

I don’t remember it all. I think I’ve been forgetting it, day by day. What’s already happened, I remember little.

It’s a scary thought. I don’t remember what others do. It’s like it never happened, but it did.

Okay, I’ll talk about it later.
Just that

See ya 😀

Haha, you’ll laugh (not certainly though)

22:44
18/04/17
and yes, it’s Tuesday ❤ (not that I particularly love Tuesdays more than the other days, it just is)

Does your favourite song define you?
I have a song, not favourite per se. But it just is my song. The particular song, it's like a pretty little secret. I wouldn't want to tell anyone about it. It's just my song. Wouldn't want to share it (idc). Because I absolutely love that song. Truly. It's a beauty. Yup.
I'm listening to it rn. And yes, it's on repeat.

The music. The beats. Everything. I love you, yes, I love you song.
You're just my kind. Like, you'd fit perfectly. And we vibe (talking about the song). Lot's of love your way, song. Thank you for being so kind and coming my way. Letting me know you. Muaaahhhh

Okay

So, the other thing. Ain't no more going for the job I had mentioned earlier.

I'm at peace now. I don't feel like explaining the whole situation. But this decision, it's like a pit stop. I'm refueling and I'll leave everyone behind (only the ones in the race). Is it even a race? No. I hope not.
It's just a journey. A fabulous unfolding. It's the lovely seaside home in a scenic tranquil quaint town. Yup. It's that and so much more.

To a life of no regrets.

To a life of autonomy, lovely people, scrumptious meals, long drives, long runs, feeling the soft breeze on my face, gentle warmth of the sun, long walks, happy conversations, coffee and conversations, looking up into the sky full of stars and dogs (all dogs are love) and so much more.
To kindness
To loveliness
To goodness
To all ❤

Yay! Read on

8 April, Saturday
11:20 pm

So, yeah. Finally! I got a job! I got placed.

No more sad talk 🙂 Hehehe

I’ll get going now. Just wanted to tell you that.
So, off you go into the universe.

Much love
All the sparkly good things
Kindness and goodness
All the loveliness ❤

Thank you for everything XOXO 🙂

It’s okay

28 March, Tuesday
7:45 pm

Tbh I’m feeling depressed (can one feel depressed or is it that one is depressed). Um.. I’m just sad, and I feel (/it feels) empty. Okay, now I’m crying (not full on, but just tears in my eyes, silent crying (?)).
I’m fine. Sigh

I feel sad when you know, people don’t reciprocate the same way. I know, I shouldn’t have expectations but I just can’t help it. It’s like something inbuilt. Silly me. Have no expectations from anyone anymore, okay, understood? (I’m talking to myself. Yup)

I don’t feel restless now. I feel tired. Despite not doing anything strenuous.
Deep breath

College ends soon. I’m happy. Others are worried that it’ll be a new life, there’s uncertainty to it blah blah. But I’m cool. Despite the fact that I don’t have a job yet. But I’m cool. It’ll all be alright. Yep. I’m positive about it.
I won’t go mad.

Having a job is crucial. It gives you some purpose in life. Even though it might be mechanical and mundane but better than having nothing to do.

Listening to random songs. With no lyrics.
I’ll get going now.

See ya
Love ya ❤

PS: Thank you for everything 🙂

Chaos

24 March ’17, Friday
10:14 am

Okay. Here I am. Again (like always, until one fine day).

So, I woke up at 8:30 today morning. Late, I know. I slept by 11 or 12. Sometime around that. I put the alarm for 6 sth. But of course I couldn’t, didn’t wake up. I could have, if I wanted to. But I just slept. Ahhh

Atm I have no discipline in my life.
__________________________________________________________________

Anyway, hi again. It’s 5:45 pm rn. Evening, yep.

I feel very restless atm. Didn’t study anything substantial. I just while away time. Wait for the day to end. And sleep.
Not nice J. Not nice at all.

Okay.

Can you envision the kind of life you want?
Yes, right.
A quaint (little) house. A nice job. Time to shop, read books and go out. Have something nice to do all week. Something that gives me a purpose. Um.. I want to do something.
But to get the kind of job I want, I have to study a fair bit. Get some order in my life and work towards it.
Also, I want to go running in the mornings. I did start running a while a ago. Even continued for a bit, but after returning from there (saying bye bye to the rad black uniform), I was a little disheartened and just left it all.
And wear, dress however I want to. I mean, I still can but I get conscious. Bleh. That’s me
That’s why, become fitter (not that I am really healthy and fit rn). Then, I could experiment more.
Sleep less. I’ve noticed a day isn’t such a small amount of time. Lots can be done in a day. Yeah, if I do, I could do lots.

I know I have to sort it all out myself.

You know, so I came across these articles. More like stumbled upon them courtesy facebook. Anyway, so what it concluded was two things to lead a happy and/or fulfilled life.

  1. Quality of close relationships. Good life is built with good relationships
  2. Autonomy over your life. Independence, the degree of freedom you have over (/in) your life

So, I’m not really a loner. Though I might be. I do have a few good friends. But I don’t talk a lot. You know, I never share a lot of personal stuff. Well, now I do a little.
I can count my friends on my fingers. But so called friend- friend or kinda acquaintances, I mean they are friends but not really good friends. No connection. Yeah.
I have few good friends. Is that mutual though? To an extent, I think. I hope so.

And autonomy over life.. Well, you know what I’ve said before. That I’m just floating. Not even swimming towards the shore or the cruise ship. I just let things be. So, yeah, not much control.

I’m honest here. Just lay my thoughts bare here. Naked. I might seem like such a sob story.
Alright, get some focus now.

I’ll see you soon
Lots of love ❤
Goodness, sparkle and magic

P.S: Don't hide. The genuine you is a lovely person. Let your soul shine

A day

20 March, Monday
16:00

Hey

Lately, I don’t feel like writing much in my diary (the real physical diary). You know, my diary, it won’t really have the facts and details.. um it’s more of feelings. Whatever it was going through my mind at that moment. It’s just stuff from here and there. Nothing solid, not very substantial. Ha

Anyway, I didn’t go to college today. Mhmm. I’m listening to Thinking ’bout you. Nice song.

I love doggies. Yep.

I guess that’s it. Btw classes on sat and sun. They went fine.

I don’t give a eff anymore. I think. About others. Because, frankly speaking, why should i? When I didn’t exist for them, Idc anymore ’bout them.
I don’t want to give a eff about those unfeeling creatures (who’re human beings). Bleh. Enough silly talk

Let’s talk about something else

So, the history class, two hours passed and I didn’t even feel it. Which is good.

I’m 55 now btw. Just 5 more kilos to go. And I’ll be happy with my weight. Ha ha. Well, I want to look good on farewell. Bleh

Such stupid stuff. I’ll go now.

Thanks for everything ❤
Truly
Lots of love

Be someone else

12 March, Sunday
10:20 pm

I have such random titles, right? Usually it’s the first thing off my head.

So, I’ve at least gotten somethings off the list (not that I had a list in the first place, just saying). Updated my linkedin profile. Shortened my resume to a single page.

Oh! And I saw a cute movie tonight. Yeah.

Hey. What would I make of this life?

So, rn I’m listening to a podcast. Yep. The mysteries in this universe (hidden the name of the podcast in the sentence).

Alright. So, moving forward. The only thing I can do in life.
You know, it’s a little uncertain atm. The getting a job part. Well.. and I have nothing to say.

Anyway, is it possible to have a crush on a random stranger? I think I do, or maybe not. No, I don’t. It’s just that the guy is really really smart. Like really smart. And I find that attractive, I think. It’s what’s in your head, who you really are.

I do hope that I marry a smart and kind guy. I think I will. Because it’s someone I’d spend my entire life with. Share every waking (sleeping) moment with.
So, I really am dreamy, aren’t I?
One of my friends said so, in some similar guy context. That I’d find the one *batting eyelashes* my one true love.

Sheesh. Such mushy talk. Guess I can’t help it, can I? Bleh

I just wanted to talk, and here I am saying anything and everything that comes to my mind. It’s all random until it gets a direction.

I think I can’t really decide which direction should I walk in.

I’ll go ab. I can’t talk anymore. I feel very tired.

See you
Lots of love and happiness ❤
Stay strange (the good kind)

Who am I?

5 March, Sunday
10:30 pm

Hey

Today was tiring. I reached home by 8. Of course, my parents came to pick me up. Love ya.

You know, it’s not so easy clearing the exam. It requires lots and lots of hard work. And discipline. Well, tbh I got a little scared. Um, about the getting through part. But, anyway, let’s not think about it. One step at a time. Let’s just enjoy those subjects, for now.

Okay, somewhere during the lectures today, the prof said something that made me thinking about this. Who am I? What makes me ‘me’?
Is it what all I’ve done in my life, my achievements?
Or my characteristics? My personality?

Oh, yeah now I remember, he was saying what would we write if we had to write an essay on ourselves. Like you write an essay or even just a para on ‘yourself’. And then I started thinking how much do I really know myself. Do I really know myself?
You know, one of reasons, I think, why I won’t be marrying anytime soon. Well, I anyway wouldn’t have, because I’m still such a kid. But, yeah, I first need to know myself, only then it’ll happen, whatever has to (happen).

Also, I think I’ll just crash now. I’m exhausted. I’ll work on the college project tomorrow.

The people there, the teachers and everyone, they seemed really nice. Like good people.

Alright then
Goodnight
Sweet dreams ❤

Lots of love!

P.S: Thank you for everything 🙂

A little of this and a little of that

4 March, Saturday
11:40 pm

Hi there!

Right, so I had written all this in the metro on my way back home on Wednesday.

______________________________________________________________________

1 March, Wednesday
6:55 pm

I think this thing would always be like this. Me not knowing what’s the joke about (basically, me never truly being ‘in’ in the group).
It’s not such a pleasant feeling, well of course. But it just is. I don’t know if I send good thoughts into the universe, would that change things?
Hmmm
I don’t know

______________________________________________________________________

Well, I should get over this stuff. But it’s just that, it’s good to be somewhere (where) you truly belong. I did know where or better yet with whom I actually did, but it was a wee bit late.

So, someone I truly adore and respect says that they don’t know my worth (don’t value me). And that I’ll soon meet the people who really do. Cheers to that day!
You know though, there are some lovely souls in my life rn who do know my worth. And I truly love them. They’re a bunch of beautiful people. I wish I had hung out more with them. But I do whenever I can.
It’s all a little messy tbh.

I wish I was (and still hope to be) a little (a lot more tbh) bolder.

There’s this another thing. I get so camera conscious. My candid photos do come out better for the same reason. Someone asks me to pose, and it’ll be a disaster (well, usually). I feel bad for the people in the same frame as me. It could have been a better photograph had I not been so awkward. Had I not been me. The *me* me.

So, tomorrow’s the first day (today, it’s after midnight now). And I think I better sleep now. Tomorrow (today) should be a great day. Uhhh. I shouldn’t overdo it. Have no expectations. That works better for me, you know. Alright then, tomorrow would be just like any other day. Perfectly normal.

Okay then
Goodnight
Lots of love ❤
And just goodness and happiness
And all the loveliness and kindness

It’s all working out, you (I) just can’t see it yet. It’s like the behind the scene productions is in a frenzy, making it all work. Making all the pieces fit together beautifully. You’ll soon see. It’ll be a dream. A soul-stirring beautiful one.

And thank you! Love you! 🙂

P.S: I think I did well in the exams. So, it’s all cool.

Not much to say

25 February, Saturday
11:13 pm

Right. So, hello.

I suppose you’re doing fine. And I’m alright, I think.

I don’t have a lot to say. Oh! I did get my learner’s license today. Yeah, and it was a long day today, and I didn’t study much. Nada tbh. I should start soon. You would, won’t you. Hopefully, I will.

I’m excited, kind of, for the classes beginning 5th. It’s a Sunday. I’ll get to learn so much. And more than anything else, I’m happy about the knowledge I’d attain (no kidding though). I know it sounds nerdy, but that’s how it is. I think I’ll enjoy those subjects.
Not so much technical overload, it’ll be lighter. Though there’ll be a lot of stuff to absorb, but I’m fine with it 🙂

I’m happy that college is ending. I know, usually people aren’t so psyched about it, but I think college hasn’t been the usual happy carefree experience for me. Um.. there’s been a fair bit of (what’s the word) stormy waters that I’ve had to sail through. Weird vibes. Obfuscating relationships (?). Heartbreaks. People stomping all over my heart.

Eh.

I’ve had my share. But I’ve met some lovely people too. I think in the end it boils down to the company you share (keep(?)). Going through such stuff made me realise who actually matter. To whom do I really matter..

I wouldn’t want to live these 4 years again. I know. But, it’s okay. These little things make me who I am.
I could have done so much more. Been a beautiful butterfly.
Run away from people who give you the heebie-jeebies. You really cannot force yourself to like someone. Vice-versa. It just happens. And it’s mutual, I guess, to an extent.

But it’s okay. I got to see both the worlds. The good, the bad. It made me appreciate all the goodness around me.

Yeah. I think I’ve said a lot more than not much. Thanks for bearing with me.

Also, I hope to get above 85% (somewhere around 86-87%) this semester. Btw I got 85.3% last semester. Yup. Thanks! For everything.

And I will get down with the studying. I’m such a big procrastinator -.-

Yeah. So see you soon.

Copper
Lots of love
Someone you know