measly(?) hopes

22 November, Wednesday
4:30 pm

Hi

I’m a very stubborn person, aren’t I? When will you mend your ways!? (yes, I’m angry (at), disappointed with myself). I don’t know, I’m just so fucked up. I don’t learn, do I?

The exam is on Sunday. And yet, I’m still not prepared. To think of it, when am I ever. Yes, never really. It’s all procrastination and this complacent attitude (that things would anyway work out). Like, I’ve just stopped caring. I’m resigned. Resigned myself to my fate. I’m not even using my freewill.

I do this every fucking time. Not do much till the last moment. Then freak out in the end. Cry over spilled milk that I didn’t make better use of my freaking time. Ugh

I’ll get back to you in a while

Hey. So, I’ve left some noodles on the stove.
Um yes, I was thinking.. countless times, in fact every single time I’ve attached such value with a task being fulfilled that it dilapidates(?) me, renders me in a state of despair seemingly because of my thinking that this is it. There’s nothing beyond it, no other option, no other lifeboat to save me from drowning. And when the metaphoric storm (the said task) passes over (is accomplished), I realise I had blown it out of proportion.. the result, the value attached to it.

Idk. I’m just.. lost?
Yeah. I’ll just go now.
Bye

 

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what a show

15 November, Wednesday
2:57 am

Hi
Just finished watching the Truman Show on tv. Yep, on television itself.

So, yeah. Cramps. I feel messy (?) and just not well overall. Weird.
You know, I just feel like I’ve been being hit with the same pattern. It’s the same or similar situation I’m stuck in rn, I’ve been in similar situations before ~ 12th, 1st year and now. It’s a freaking ongoing pattern. When the eff would it end?

I know, action has consequences but so does inaction. And the fate that I’m suffering (?) or maybe just this fate, it is bc of inaction. You know, in final year when I wasn’t getting placed, I thought ‘yeah, you wouldn’t let me have it so easy, you want me to struggle, to wait for it’; even after 12th it wasn’t that I got my college in the first go, it was in the second or the third counselling ,I think; and then even when I did get the job, when I finally got placed, somehow I ended up not joining it.. just wtf
Why is this happening? Get a job, work, do mba maybe.. things would have been on effing track; Why derail it?

And now it seems like I’m in a suspended state.
See, even when I went back to college, I did write (in the notes on my phone) that all this feels unreal.. that it’d be soon over, that it’s all temporary. And it did get over. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was tormenting myself by continuing. Anyway, that’s all over. Thank god.

I feel complacent, smug with the way things are rn; which isn’t good at all. I shouldn’t be content. Time waits for none. I might just get left behind and time would whoosh past me.

What’ll it be? Where will I end up? Eff it all
I have no effing clue, what will become of my life!

I’m not even applying anywhere bc I low key don’t want to face an interview. I just don’t want to do anything anymore, do I?

Okay, soon everything would be fine. And I’d soon write about good things.
One good thing. I made a nice cup of coffee last night. And I have warm clothes to wear in this cold weather. Thank you.

Yeah. Just bye bye

 

fight club, huh

2 November, Thursday
4:50 pm

Hi
I just finished reading Fight Club. Read most of it today only.
Okay, I know it’s a cult classic. All these quotes and ‘Joe’s *insert whatever*’ floating around. I had already decided that if I’d watch the movie, I’d read the book first. Now, I’m not even sure if I want to watch the movie. Usually if I’ve already read the book, I don’t watch the movie.

It’s about materialism and consumerism and all, right? Okay, so I did get that from the fact when he says that everything in his house was him.. sth along those lines. The condiments, the sofa and all those things.
I don’t know what to make of it. What the take away was. I’ll read online what the ‘moral of the story’ was (so to say), but first I’ll write what I think about it.

I had read last night on reddit in some thread that this book shows the importance of having a purpose in life. But how, where?
He did live a monotonous life, day in day out. Work, home and his little condiments in the refrigerator.
He did die in the end, right? Then how is he still narrating in the chapter 30.

He was frustrated with his life. The same monotony of everyday life. He sought a release (?); going the remaining men together thing, the support group where he cried. That was his release. Catharsis of sorts, to let it all out, the pent up emotions.
Marla, she went to these groups bc it made her feel better about her life(?) That she didn’t have it all that bad. That she was still alive(?) She did live vicariously though, did she? No, I guess not. Tyler Durden did.

I just want sth to tie it all up oh so perfectly. It seems so rough around the edges in my head. The thoughts are messy and just floating around.

The narrator is a nice person. He’s a coward (?), maybe coward’s too strong a word here, he’s just passive; like so many others going through the drudgery of their lives, not seeking something more, anything. Hasn’t had a father figure. I think this is all bc of not having a support system, a network of people one can always rely on. Maybe bc people live isolated lives, with no sense of belonging/belongingness.
Was the world actually so cruel? For him to develop an alter ego, not against the world though, but against a class, a strata of society.  The so called privileged ones.
He needs an out, he needs something, something which makes his life meaningful. So he wages this war. A war against who though? The previous generation, the affluent? Who?
Maybe the fight club did give them all a sense of belonging, a brotherhood of sorts. A place where they just are, where they aren’t defined by their age, their names or anything. It’s just who they are. And they fight, they just fight and let it all out.
And I think his so called army, so many people want to join it, bc it gives them a higher purpose, at least makes them think so. To do their bit?
Oh yes, it gives them power. Power to make their own choices. That they can make history?

It also reminded me of how some groups, not good people groups, brainwash young people to join them (like the space monkeys?). And say that it’ll fulfill their purpose in life and other bullshit. Utter total bs.

I was just wondering, so does that building actually get blown up?

That’s all.

oar (maybe, roar)

1 November ’17, Wednesday
4:55 pm

Hey,
Do you think I need to get a grip on my life?
Okay, so I’ll just get it all out today. Write it all. And get it out in the open. Let’s list it all out, one by one. How things progressed and reached where it all is today. I’m doing this bc I need to have some perspective.
May – final year-end term exams

  1. June – and so it begins..
  2. July – the results were out on 1st, so yes, finally a graduate (not that it mattered much, was no big deal; it seemed natural, only a step in the series of progression anyway bound to happen)
  3. August – had a sort of semi imp exam in the end of Aug, the results were out yesterday, I didn’t clear it (I hadn’t even prepared much for it, so it was inevitable)
    Also, I went back to college again, though reluctantly, to pursue masters in a subject I was least interested in for lack of a better option (it was all my doing and decision, to go back that is)
  4. September – gave first minors; I was miserable the two months I went back; stopped going to college around Sept end, last I went was on 22nd
  5. October – and now this whole month, well, I just grandly let it all go to waste doing nothing

So, it was bullets earlier, but just now I changed the it to numbered bullets, to see the time I had frittered away. Well, lots of it, it seems now.
So, I took the decision to drop out of masters to study for mba. But yes, dawdled all the time. How could I not do anything?
It’s like I have no sense of my own life. I don’t own my life. Resigned to it.

5*30 = 150 days

Okay, just for the sake of it let us subtract 90 days, June, Aug and Sept. June, just bc it was the month after exams ended. Aug and Sept were spent in pursuing the futile masters, well a part of it, even though halfheartedly.
So, that leaves us with July and Aug
2*30 = 60 days

Argh, I think I am trying to justifying even the time I wasted. You know showing it as much lesser. Well, let’s see first 10 days of Aug and last 10 days of Sept, I wasn’t in college.
So, 80 days. And I should count 10 days of June too (20 days are enough to chill or just not do anything). That adds up to 90 days. So, 3 months.
October was completely legit wasted wasted. No fckn denying that.

Okay.

  1. I’ll start with clearing the mess on the table. Sorting it out.
  2. Running, skipping or even walking. Just fckn doing sth
  3. case studies
  4. apti | english | reasoning (it’s 3 parts, more than that actually, but for now do these three)
  5. Read newspaper

Okay, then once I’m on track. I’ll start applying for jobs.
yes? yes.

See you.

I’m not myself (it’s a song btw)

13 October, Friday
11:06 pm

Hey
Last night, I found some long lost songs. Oh how good it felt to hear them again. Listening to some music rn too. Music is my.. haven (?).. refuge, yes. It’s a safe place.
Well, I think I’ll get going. I wanted to talk a bit. About my life and other things. But idk, seems like it has sorta vapourised.
Okay, remember, don’t go there again. Alright. It gets you nowhere. *deep breath*
You’re fine.

Okay then
Will talk to you later
About the mess and how it can be sorted. Bit by bit.
see ya ❤

eh

21 September, Thursday
2:06 pm

Anyway, it’s 2:37 pm.
Eh
So, have a little cousin over. Kids. Ask so many questions. And I’ve noticed he gets bored v v easily. Short attention span.

So, over to my life. Since quite some time, I’ve been saying that it’s a mess. It seems so. Maybe, it truly is. I need to take a broom and declutter it.

I’m doing masters. In technology. In a subject I don’t like the least bit. From the same college I did my bachelors from. I hate every minute of it. Maybe hate’s too strong a word. But I just don’t like it, not even the least bit.

Idk, it just feels like I’m in a suspended state. Lost. Adrift.
what should I do?

should I let things happen or should I make things happen?
should I swim towards the shore or should I let the waves take me wherever?

you know, I’ve been sleeping in the afternoons more, more than usual. that’s what happens when I’m feeling down. so, it happens when I’m not engaged in something meaningful, or just busy with something. like, I won’t have time to feel sad or whatever it is that  I feel when I have exams going on. it’s anxiety and looming darkness what I feel before and during exams.

I feel like I should just write you know pen and paper kind, see you soon then
love ya ❤

Just about the same sitch

7 September, Thursday
2:47 am

Okay. So, minors from Monday. Despite the fact that I’m done with grad. All bc I’m now doing post grad, I have to give the frggin minors and majors.
And I just finished writing down the class notes an hour ago or so. I grandly wasted more time than working on the notes. Ha. Not a new thing for you, is it? (I’m talking to myself)
Yet to start studying.

I had never imagined that I’d be studying the same thing only a little more complex again. I did and I still do want to do MBA. But what am I doing rn. Anyway, let this minor exams get over. I’ll apply at a few startups and off I go.

I should sleep now. Btw I didn’t go running yesterday.
My table is a mess. I’ll clean it in the morning now.

I’m solely to blame for the mess my life has become, isn’t it. Like a pendulum, always vacillating. Even after taking a decision, I’d keep thinking what if I had chosen the other option.
You know in my life, more than what I’ve done it’s about what I haven’t done. The decisions not taken, opportunities left untouched; not having taken too many chances or just plain right not doing anything.

Paralysis of analysis.

Okay, sleepy sleepy now. See ya ❤
It's 3 now btw