sunflower

13 September ’18, Thursday
1:18 am

Hey hey there
yes, it’s pretty early in the morning or late at night, well whatever you prefer

I met up with some friends today. So before I left for the meeting place, I was second guessing if I should really be going. But later after meeting up with everyone, while we were sitting in a cafe, I felt at ease, and this thought even crossed my mind ‘I feel so comfortable and at home with them in this moment (idk why was I even considering to take a rain check)’. They’re a bunch of lovelies.

So, I’m over this now but I’ll just share it with you. So I got ignored or seen zoned by a person, and it made me sad. I don’t know if I’m being oversensitive or if it even is sth I should be sad about. Do I measure my worth by how others perceive me? perhaps I really do (I did tell you that I’m a people pleaser, didn’t I, sigh)

Is beauty a currency of sorts?

I know that not all relationships are transactional in nature but most are. It saddens me but it’s the bitter truth. Maybe that’s how the world works, it’s all transaction, give and take.
I shouldn’t feel so sad, right. Maybe the person didn’t feel the need to sustain the conversation any further. There was no need for it. 

Okay, so now I’ll try to be best version of myself. I know I can never be the best perfect version.. it’s always evolving, so be better, become the better me. I feel things would change for the better when and if I change for the better.

I’m sleepy.

I’ll write something wonderful someday

words are all I have 
my saviour
my solace

(don’t be bothered by people who don’t really matter, because they don’t matter; they aren’t a part of your life, they aren’t a part of your narrative; they chose to be on a different path, a different story, a story not yours
ugh just backspace all this stuff
there, it’s all done now)

goodnight

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miss misery

10 September ’18, Monday
9:16 pm

hi
I can be such klutz at times, haha nothing new there.

Some time ago, I was feeling really sad, so I slipped into the space between the bed and wall, curled into a ball and pulled a cover over me. Just sat there and cried.
Life. I was thinking about how messy everything is. And the fact that I haven’t really moved forward in this last year.

So, I inconspicuously slipped into the corner but B stood (well she just sat beside me) by me all the while. My little baby ❤
I know I shouldn’t be so pessimistic about life. Things are better than I make them out to be. Maybe because I compared how I was faring in life with my peers. After all, comparison is the thief of joy, isn’t it?
Idk with me, life has always made me wait, struggle a little and only then given me something. But waiting, it seems so, has been an unyielding constant.

But haven’t I already waited for a year?
Things are moving a little, let’s see where I’ll go from here.
Life is about to change, isn’t it?

I think I was crying also because of the fact that I’d be moving away from home. And pa asked shouldn’t I be excited? ofc, any other kid would be thrilled about moving away from home but I ain’t so thrilled (at least not atm) haha
I’m idk maybe I’m not like the other kids. Or maybe I in fact am like everyone else, an average jane. [Quiet little person (idk why do I use the adjective little for me so often). I should be firm, firmer not gooey and soft (?). Be strong, okay?]

so, just a random list of things I’d like to learn/do:

  1. singing
  2. cartwheels
  3. typography
  4. build sth with tools
  5. Italian (parlo poco poco Italiano, haha)
  6. calculate faster, like really fast (in my head)
  7. be a wildflower 🙂

I feel okay now. Much better.
Lots of love
J

linger

29 August 2018, Wednesday
11:00 pm

some movies are so just so endearing, there’s just sth about them that lingers with you; this beautiful fantastic, one such movie
maybe because I saw myself in luna, the (little) bird who’s afraid to fly, she’s unaware that she’s even capable of flying, of soaring high and beyond

you know, one day I hope to write and write such that my words move people, it makes them feel something, something deep in their hearts

someone?

15 July, Sunday
1:40 am

It’s like I’ve just given up. And lost myself to lies. I don’t know what am I even doing anymore. I’m living but it’s a pretence. No one else can help me, can someone?

I have no purpose, no meaning to do something to do anything. I feel empty. It feels empty and lonely.
I have been sleeping away the days, and wandering the (metaphoric) alleys at night.
I need something to hold me down, someone to hold my hand and guide me.

Like people drink away their problems I think I sleep away my problems. Because when I’m asleep there’s nothing. No me, no life, no world, nothing exists then.

see you then
universe, be kind

meh

11 July, Wednesday
12:06 am

Hey
It’s a little after midnight. Well, tbh I didn’t study a single word yesterday, I was busy worrying about something. I slept for 2 hours in the afternoon and the time left, I spent worrying about something. Such a worrier I am, sigh. And for some strange reason I am  sleepy already.

I have to get a hold on myself. Right, so once again I hope that things will be on track from tomorrow and forgodssake don’t sleep in the afternoon tomorrow. That was the whole day is gone to waste.

Anyway, I’ll go to sleep right now. Sleep on time and get up fresh and get some work done. There’s time. Get out of the stupor and start making things right, doing anything in fact.
It’s like every other day. I came back in April. And May June, well time just passed. Two freaking months.

Bye bye

forgive

1 July, Sunday
3:30 pm

Hi
I just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Morrie.

maybe I need to forgive myself, for not doing the things I should have done.. I should forgive myself
it still isn’t late, I’ll be 23 soon. 23. I didn’t like the fact the I’d be 23. when someone said I’m 23 I didn’t like hearing it, I thought it meant I couldn’t be a child anymore, that I’d have to be an adult.. but all I have to be is be myself

okay, so a while ago we attended this relative’s wedding. And there was this person, not the most charismatic person in the room, a little awkward when dancing and such but  I found her to be very likeable
she didn’t change herself to fit into a mould.. and the way she spoke, tiny bit childish but so charming
and then I realised I don’t need to change myself, someone will like me the way I am
by trying to be something I am not, I’m losing myself
I don’t need to be loud and on and alive all the time.. I can be quiet and maybe someone will like for who I am

I had been wanting to read Tuesdays with Morrie since such a long time. I’m happy I came across this book.
Love you Morrie ❤
Thank you
J

again

10 June ’18, Sunday
10:17 pm

Hey
I was just going through the last few entries. And the fact that I hadn’t even mentioned a thing about the beautiful experience I had had in another land, the lovely people I had met there is just disappointing. It seems like a dream now. Well, at least it was a nice dream. A dream I won’t forget anytime soon. It might fade away into memories, get lost behind with time.. but I would always carry a piece of it with me.

Anyway, back to the supposed problems of my life. I slept in the evening today and yesterday. For quite a bit. It’s like I’m falling into the same pattern again. It’s like a downward spiral. ”
I really don’t know. Same thing all over again
Didn’t study yesterday. Didn’t study today. Not even on Friday. What am I even doing with my freaking life