someone?

15 July, Sunday
1:40 am

It’s like I’ve just given up. And lost myself to lies. I don’t know what am I even doing anymore. I’m living but it’s a pretence. No one else can help me, can someone?

I have no purpose, no meaning to do something to do anything. I feel empty. It feels empty and lonely.
I have been sleeping away the days, and wandering the (metaphoric) alleys at night.
I need something to hold me down, someone to hold my hand and guide me.

Like people drink away their problems I think I sleep away my problems. Because when I’m asleep there’s nothing. No me, no life, no world, nothing exists then.

see you then
universe, be kind

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meh

11 July, Wednesday
12:06 am

Hey
It’s a little after midnight. Well, tbh I didn’t study a single word yesterday, I was busy worrying about something. I slept for 2 hours in the afternoon and the time left, I spent worrying about something. Such a worrier I am, sigh. And for some strange reason I am  sleepy already.

I have to get a hold on myself. Right, so once again I hope that things will be on track from tomorrow and forgodssake don’t sleep in the afternoon tomorrow. That was the whole day is gone to waste.

Anyway, I’ll go to sleep right now. Sleep on time and get up fresh and get some work done. There’s time. Get out of the stupor and start making things right, doing anything in fact.
It’s like every other day. I came back in April. And May June, well time just passed. Two freaking months.

Bye bye

forgive

1 July, Sunday
3:30 pm

Hi
I just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Morrie.

maybe I need to forgive myself, for not doing the things I should have done.. I should forgive myself
it still isn’t late, I’ll be 23 soon. 23. I didn’t like the fact the I’d be 23. when someone said I’m 23 I didn’t like hearing it, I thought it meant I couldn’t be a child anymore, that I’d have to be an adult.. but all I have to be is be myself

okay, so a while ago we attended this relative’s wedding. And there was this person, not the most charismatic person in the room, a little awkward when dancing and such but  I found her to be very likeable
she didn’t change herself to fit into a mould.. and the way she spoke, tiny bit childish but so charming
and then I realised I don’t need to change myself, someone will like me the way I am
by trying to be something I am not, I’m losing myself
I don’t need to be loud and on and alive all the time.. I can be quiet and maybe someone will like for who I am

I had been wanting to read Tuesdays with Morrie since such a long time. I’m happy I came across this book.
Love you Morrie ❤
Thank you
J

again

10 June ’18, Sunday
10:17 pm

Hey
I was just going through the last few entries. And the fact that I hadn’t even mentioned a thing about the beautiful experience I had had in another land, the lovely people I had met there is just disappointing. It seems like a dream now. Well, at least it was a nice dream. A dream I won’t forget anytime soon. It might fade away into memories, get lost behind with time.. but I would always carry a piece of it with me.

Anyway, back to the supposed problems of my life. I slept in the evening today and yesterday. For quite a bit. It’s like I’m falling into the same pattern again. It’s like a downward spiral. ”
I really don’t know. Same thing all over again
Didn’t study yesterday. Didn’t study today. Not even on Friday. What am I even doing with my freaking life

Wild

024 May, Thursday
11:32 pm

I read ~80% of Wild (by Cheryl Strayed). I feel really close to her writings. I can relate to it. So, the first book of hers I read was Tiny Beautiful Things. Indeed beautiful.
For some strange reason I felt connected (?) to her writing. I absolutely loved what she wrote. I wished to write like her. Then I came across the podcast Dear Sugars and guess who’s one of the two hosts. Yep, you guessed it right.

Anyway, so when I started reading Wild, she mentioned her birthday somewhere in the beginning. And we freaking share the same birthday. Ahhhh you don’t know how happy I was. Despite having never known or met her,  there was this feeling of camaraderie by virtue of us only sharing a birthday. Like I found a companion. Like a lost soul. A lost friend.

Oh and this guy on Medium, Snippets. Ahhh I love that guy, the way he writes. I love the way he uses words.

you 
touch me 
in places 
I never knew existed 

that’s what you do to me,
your words do
(the way you write)

oh life

30 April, 2018
7:15 pm

why do I have to be this way.. why does life have to be this way?
I gave a mock test.. and the score was awful. Not that I gave it seriously. What would happen?
I feel sad and depressed because of it. Urghh

I feel like crying.. I should declutter my life. I’ve already cleared out the clothes I had stopped wearing long ago. I should do the same with books. Yes, I should. Then, maybe with my body. You know, keep fit.

bye