I’m not myself (it’s a song btw)

13 October, Friday
11:06 pm

Hey
Last night, I found some long lost songs. Oh how good it felt to hear them again. Listening to some music rn too. Music is my.. haven (?).. refuge, yes. It’s a safe place.
Well, I think I’ll get going. I wanted to talk a bit. About my life and other things. But idk, seems like it has sorta vapourised.
Okay, remember, don’t go there again. Alright. It gets you nowhere. *deep breath*
You’re fine.

Okay then
Will talk to you later
About the mess and how it can be sorted. Bit by bit.
see ya ❤

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eh

21 September, Thursday
2:06 pm

Anyway, it’s 2:37 pm.
Eh
So, have a little cousin over. Kids. Ask so many questions. And I’ve noticed he gets bored v v easily. Short attention span.

So, over to my life. Since quite some time, I’ve been saying that it’s a mess. It seems so. Maybe, it truly is. I need to take a broom and declutter it.

I’m doing masters. In technology. In a subject I don’t like the least bit. From the same college I did my bachelors from. I hate every minute of it. Maybe hate’s too strong a word. But I just don’t like it, not even the least bit.

Idk, it just feels like I’m in a suspended state. Lost. Adrift.
what should I do?

should I let things happen or should I make things happen?
should I swim towards the shore or should I let the waves take me wherever?

you know, I’ve been sleeping in the afternoons more, more than usual. that’s what happens when I’m feeling down. so, it happens when I’m not engaged in something meaningful, or just busy with something. like, I won’t have time to feel sad or whatever it is that  I feel when I have exams going on. it’s anxiety and looming darkness what I feel before and during exams.

I feel like I should just write you know pen and paper kind, see you soon then
love ya ❤

Just about the same sitch

7 September, Thursday
2:47 am

Okay. So, minors from Monday. Despite the fact that I’m done with grad. All bc I’m now doing post grad, I have to give the frggin minors and majors.
And I just finished writing down the class notes an hour ago or so. I grandly wasted more time than working on the notes. Ha. Not a new thing for you, is it? (I’m talking to myself)
Yet to start studying.

I had never imagined that I’d be studying the same thing only a little more complex again. I did and I still do want to do MBA. But what am I doing rn. Anyway, let this minor exams get over. I’ll apply at a few startups and off I go.

I should sleep now. Btw I didn’t go running yesterday.
My table is a mess. I’ll clean it in the morning now.

I’m solely to blame for the mess my life has become, isn’t it. Like a pendulum, always vacillating. Even after taking a decision, I’d keep thinking what if I had chosen the other option.
You know in my life, more than what I’ve done it’s about what I haven’t done. The decisions not taken, opportunities left untouched; not having taken too many chances or just plain right not doing anything.

Paralysis of analysis.

Okay, sleepy sleepy now. See ya ❤
It's 3 now btw

I ran 1 km!

6 September
00:43 am

Hey!
I ran and walked (walked more) 1.1 km last evening.

Okay then
See you soon
P.S: wth, how can that person be so good, like intense and smart and cute, and smart, good with words and  a fairly good photographer.. ugh.. would the person ever reply, eh.. idc now.. we’re just two people existing in the same time and space, maybe never to meet (we might meet one day, I hope).. we do share one more thing.. mhmm, it’s all cool 🙂

Are we there yet?

4 September, Monday
1:54 am

I got a new phone last night!! I think I like it a fair bit. I like the interface.
I’m getting a haircut soon. I have long hair, waist length almost. Maybe I shouldn’t really get it too short. It kinda looks pretty when it’s shampooed and all combed properly.

I think I should make some efforts to lose a few kilos.  I’d look better then. Maybe even a little pretty. Bleh. Running is hard work. And more than that, the getting up in the morning to actually get running.
Okay, so it’s 2:42 am rn and I had a file to complete which I haven’t even started with. Ugh.
It’s 3:03 now.
Yeah. I’ll get going now.
Btw my life, it’s a little messy.
I was downloading and going through apps, podcast players actually.
Okay.

Will get going now. Update you with my life later.
See ya ❤

A meh day

24 August, Thursday
11:50 pm

You know, now I think I’ve reached this point that when people don’t reply to texts, I am not bothered. It just happened now. And my attitude is eff it all. I don’t care.

*deep breath*
Anyway, just a thought – more than about making deep meaningful conversations, is it about flattering and networking with people?
Now, I think it is. People like flattery and small talk, do they?

I guess some ties and connections, they justget old and wither away. Not everyone gets to be a part of your story, long term. Some are just visitors. Like crossroads, I think. Touch and go.
It’s 1:11 am btw. Looking up topics for technical report writing.
Okay, so now I’ve looked through a few topics.

I’ll sleep now.
Goodnight

P.S: To whomsoever it may concern, make things right in my life, make me a better  person. See ya

Only yesterday

22 August, Wednesday
4:54 pm

Hey
Discovered an old gem. Roads – Portishead
Oh I remember how I loved this song. It’s just so lovely. The music.
I think I’ll make a playlist sometime. Playlist of the pieces of my soul. Music is what keeps me sane. Keeps me alive.
You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer. Ha. Such dreams. At least I had dreams when I was a kid. Now? I don’t know. I don’t have that burning desire, the ruthless(?) ambition to go behind something. I just am. Letting things just be. [btw listening to Yellow – Pretty Lights, I like the name Pretty Lights] Letting the days pass, one into another.

I don’t think I’ve grown a lot, grown much as a person in the last four years. I got caught up in petty things with petty people [so, though they might be (if I may say) generous or maybe just good human beings with people of their choosing but not with everyone]. I spent some, more than some time tbh worrying and getting bothered when I should have let some things, let those people go.

I think I crave conversation. You know, the good kind with good people. Intense. Yet mellow. It leaves you satisfied. Yet wanting more.
I see myself as someone but I’m far from it. You know, how I’d like to be.
*deep breath*

Adios ❤