Only yesterday

22 August, Wednesday
4:54 pm

Hey
Discovered an old gem. Roads – Portishead
Oh I remember how I loved this song. It’s just so lovely. The music.
I think I’ll make a playlist sometime. Playlist of the pieces of my soul. Music is what keeps me sane. Keeps me alive.
You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer. Ha. Such dreams. At least I had dreams when I was a kid. Now? I don’t know. I don’t have that burning desire, the ruthless(?) ambition to go behind something. I just am. Letting things just be. [btw listening to Yellow – Pretty Lights, I like the name Pretty Lights] Letting the days pass, one into another.

I don’t think I’ve grown a lot, grown much as a person in the last four years. I got caught up in petty things with petty people [so, though they might be (if I may say) generous or maybe just good human beings with people of their choosing but not with everyone]. I spent some, more than some time tbh worrying and getting bothered when I should have let some things, let those people go.

I think I crave conversation. You know, the good kind with good people. Intense. Yet mellow. It leaves you satisfied. Yet wanting more.
I see myself as someone but I’m far from it. You know, how I’d like to be.
*deep breath*

Adios ❤

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I’m sad. It’s all a sham, isn’t it

1 August, Tuesday
7:44 pm

I’m not thrilled or happy. I’m just sad. It’s like I feel nothing atm.
Yeah, I didn’t clear the interview. Uhhhhhhh

And I missed the classes on the weekend. Ha. What did you achieve? Nada
I feel empty. Bare. Just nothing.

You know when the first round was over, I was furiously revising stuff. And somewhere when we all were waiting, I just had this feeling. You know, this intense feeling that said I ain’t getting through this time. And I kind of knew.

Ha. I’m just a mere candidate for them. I’m good, I match their requirements, I’m in. If not, they don’t give a shit.  I’m just another fuckin’ candidate for them.
Aaaaaaaa

No one’s to blame, is it so?
Little B is sitting beside me. I love her ❤
Such beautiful creatures. Little doggos.

Okay. Enough with my sob story.
Byebye

What does the future hold

31 July, Monday
00: 41 (am ofc)

Hey
So, I have an interview tomorrow. Let’s see how it goes.
I do ,I think, want to get through and clear the interview. Yes. Okay, so.. baaki I’ll leave up to God (the universe or fate).
I’ll prepare do my best, whatever can be done from my side.
Atm I’m curious as to what’d happen in the future. Sincerely I am.

Alright, I’ll tell you what I’m feeling atm. Well, it’s a bit of both. Anything can be possible until the moment actually happens. When all the probable possibilities converge into a singularity (I know that’s not what singularity is.. what I meant was the sole reality, the one and only single reality that eventually comes to fruition from so many what ifs)

*Deep breath*

You’ll be fine. Just give the interview. Yes.
Phew

Bbye  🙂

Chaos

24 March ’17, Friday
10:14 am

Okay. Here I am. Again (like always, until one fine day).

So, I woke up at 8:30 today morning. Late, I know. I slept by 11 or 12. Sometime around that. I put the alarm for 6 sth. But of course I couldn’t, didn’t wake up. I could have, if I wanted to. But I just slept. Ahhh

Atm I have no discipline in my life.
__________________________________________________________________

Anyway, hi again. It’s 5:45 pm rn. Evening, yep.

I feel very restless atm. Didn’t study anything substantial. I just while away time. Wait for the day to end. And sleep.
Not nice J. Not nice at all.

Okay.

Can you envision the kind of life you want?
Yes, right.
A quaint (little) house. A nice job. Time to shop, read books and go out. Have something nice to do all week. Something that gives me a purpose. Um.. I want to do something.
But to get the kind of job I want, I have to study a fair bit. Get some order in my life and work towards it.
Also, I want to go running in the mornings. I did start running a while a ago. Even continued for a bit, but after returning from there (saying bye bye to the rad black uniform), I was a little disheartened and just left it all.
And wear, dress however I want to. I mean, I still can but I get conscious. Bleh. That’s me
That’s why, become fitter (not that I am really healthy and fit rn). Then, I could experiment more.
Sleep less. I’ve noticed a day isn’t such a small amount of time. Lots can be done in a day. Yeah, if I do, I could do lots.

I know I have to sort it all out myself.

You know, so I came across these articles. More like stumbled upon them courtesy facebook. Anyway, so what it concluded was two things to lead a happy and/or fulfilled life.

  1. Quality of close relationships. Good life is built with good relationships
  2. Autonomy over your life. Independence, the degree of freedom you have over (/in) your life

So, I’m not really a loner. Though I might be. I do have a few good friends. But I don’t talk a lot. You know, I never share a lot of personal stuff. Well, now I do a little.
I can count my friends on my fingers. But so called friend- friend or kinda acquaintances, I mean they are friends but not really good friends. No connection. Yeah.
I have few good friends. Is that mutual though? To an extent, I think. I hope so.

And autonomy over life.. Well, you know what I’ve said before. That I’m just floating. Not even swimming towards the shore or the cruise ship. I just let things be. So, yeah, not much control.

I’m honest here. Just lay my thoughts bare here. Naked. I might seem like such a sob story.
Alright, get some focus now.

I’ll see you soon
Lots of love ❤
Goodness, sparkle and magic

P.S: Don't hide. The genuine you is a lovely person. Let your soul shine